Published in Illustrated Worlds magazine, vol 9, Spring 2025
The devil’s hour had passed and another day had come. Time flowed whether you were conscious of it or not. Aria rolled over in bed. She was always conscious of it. She knew exactly how much time she had wasted without being able to change anything. A waste of time and space, as Mom would have said.
The sunlight peaking around the blackout curtains seemed to scream that she was wasting another beautiful day.
A glance around the room was an assault on her eyeballs. Dirty dishes sat between stacks of textbooks or peeked out from under piles of dirty clothes. Three moldy butter knives pinned a college acceptance letter to the wall. She sniffed herself and grimaced; she had been wearing the same pajamas forever. Ignoring the crusty smear of peanut butter on the screen, Aria checked the time on her phone. “2-1-5, 2-1-5, 2-1-5,” she whispered. Her index finger tapped the mattress as she said each number.
Someone knocked on her door. “Aria, there’s someone here to see you,” Millie said.
Aria sat up and groaned. Her whole body hurt, even her hair and teeth. “Go away.”
“Aria—”
“Just. Go. Away.” Aria banged her fist against the wall.
A man’s voice said, “Aria, my name is Doctor Hugh Redmond. Your sister asked me to speak with you. We can talk through the door if that’s easier for you.”
“No, thanks. I’ve had enough doctors. You can’t help me.”
“Aria, you promised. Don’t be a waste of time and space,” Millie said.
Aria twitched.
“I think you’d be surprised. I’ve helped many people with similar problems,” the doctor said.
Aria snorted. “And what exactly are my problems?”
“Your sister tells me you always had a strict routine and any changes upset you. Eleven months ago, you stopped leaving your bedroom.”
“So, what kind of crazy does that make me?”
“I don’t use that word and I can’t diagnose you until we’ve talked more.”
“You’re thinking agoraphobia and obsessive-compulsive. How many times have I heard that?” Aria asked.
“Then talk to me. The more I learn about you, the better help I can offer.”
“Fine. As busy as my schedule is, I think I can squeeze you in. Send my sister downstairs and we’ll talk.”
“I’m leaving,” Millie said. The stairs creaked.
“Do you have a chair? This could take a while,” Aria chuckled.
“Yes, Millie gave me one. Thank you for your consideration.”
The doctor sat on the straight-backed wooden chair. It groaned. He glanced around the small, bright, and tidy Cape Cod. Files from the previous doctors had noted that Aria’s older sister, Millie, had inherited the house when their mother died two years ago.
“How considerate of me to make you talk to a door while sitting in the least comfortable chair in the house. I don’t think Millie expects you to stay long.” She laid back and put her hands under her head. “Where should I start?”
“Wherever you like, Aria.” The doctor reached into his satchel for a notepad, pen, and file. The file stated Aria was eighteen years old and highly intelligent. Clipped inside was a picture of a young woman with brown hair. The dark circles under her brown eyes and thousand-yard stare made her appear much older. He recognized that look, but nothing in her files accounted for it. He wrote the date, time, and Aria’s initials on his notepad.
“Let’s make it interesting. Why don’t I tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but?” Aria asked.
“You didn’t tell the other doctors the truth?”
“No fucking way! They already thought I was your garden-variety nutcase—all she needs are some blue and yellow pills and weekly chats with a doctor. But maybe I’m straight-jacket-and-padded-room-in-an-institution crazy.”
“People don’t get institutionalized unless they’re a danger to themselves or others.”
Aria said nothing.
“Aria? Do you want to hurt yourself or someone else?”
“Not at the moment. Lemme tell my story, doc.”
He cringed inside at the diminutive. “Ok, Aria. Please do.”
“How much time have you got?”
“Two hours.”
Aria whistled. “Wow. Who’s footing this insane bill? Excuse my language.”
“I’m not at liberty to say.”
“So, my rich brother-in-law.” Aria laughed. “Guess I better give him his money’s worth. Once upon a time, I had a normal life. I had a 4.0 GPA. I was taking advanced classes at the community college. I was planning to go to S_____ University on a full scholarship and major in psychology. Then, everything stopped changing.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Ever heard of a time loop, doc?”
“A time loop?”
“It’s like in one of those movies where someone lives the same day over and over. One Friday, I woke up to sunshine after weeks of rain. It was so lovely, I wished it would never end. I got my wish, and every minute since has been a living hell.”
Doctor Redmond’s pen scratched across his notepad. “You’re saying you had plans for your life and then it seemed like everything stopped. You felt like you were reliving the same day.”
“There you go being all doctory, doc. I never said I felt like I was stuck in a time loop. I was stuck in a time loop. I kept reliving that same goddamned sunny Friday.”
Possible time disorientation, he thought. “What day is today, Aria?”
“It’s Sunday the first. That Friday and all its misery finally ended. Then the recovery began, though I wouldn’t say I’ve recovered.”
“Recovery?”
“You think you can keep reliving the same day, and then go back to normal after? I don’t know what you’d call it. PTLD? Post-time loop disorder?” Aria giggled. “You lose your mind in the repetitive, unchangingness of it all. Then when everything finally changes, you lose your mind again.”
“As in you always knew what to expect and now you never know what to expect?”
“Now you’re getting it, doc.”
Doctor Redmond’s pen scratched again. “Is that what prompted your strict schedules?”
“I’ve always had strict schedules. After the loop, I stopped leaving my room because of the unpredictability. I’d forgotten how to live a normal life; the constant changes gave me panic attacks. I became a permanent, crazy fixture in my poor sister’s house, with no end in sight.”
He wrote extreme anxiety when routines are altered. “What is a normal life to you?”
“Uh uh. No getting off topic.”
“Ok, Aria. I’ll try to stay on topic.” The doctor checked his watch. One and a half hours left. “How is your relationship with your sister?”
“Verboten!” Aria sat up and poked her finger into the sandwich Millie had left her. Kettle chips spilled onto the bed. “It’s always peanut butter and jelly,” she muttered. She checked her phone. One and a half hours to go.
“Aria—”
“I’m sure you know the stages of grief, but do you know the stages of time looping?” she asked.
He jotted down refusal to discuss relationship with sister. “No, I don’t. What are they?”
“It starts with denial. I thought it was a nightmare I could wake myself up from. I stayed up all night. I jumped in the ice-cold lake. I pinched and punched myself. But midnight would come and I’d wake up in bed on the same Friday with no one else the wiser.
“What do you think the next stage is, doc?”
“Anger?”
“Nope. Begging. I begged God, Satan, anyone to make the loop end. I offered up my life, my soul, and my firstborn. Next stage. Any ideas?” Aria asked.
“Depression?”
“Try harder, doc. Anarchy is number three! I realized I could do anything I wanted and no one could stop me. Shoplifting. Stealing cars. Do you know what bad guys do before they rob a bank?”
“What do they do?”
“They stake the place out. I had nothing but time and the schedule never changed. I robbed stores and banks. I even robbed the mayor.” Aria’s voice changed to a stage whisper. “You’d never believe the S&M dungeon he has in a hidden room. He seems like such a nice guy.”
Doctor Redmond wrote unable to separate fantasy from reality and/or enjoys telling stories to shock.
“Then there was arson. Molotovs work well enough, but bombs are better. Bit of a steep learning curve, though.”
“You know how to make bombs?” None of the files had mentioned violent fantasies. To be safe, the doctor noted it and wrote have sister search Aria’s room for weapons/explosives.
Aria nibbled at the sandwich and frowned. “Just the way Mom always made them,” she whispered. Her eyes teared up. She rubbed her face.
“Aria?”
“Depression was lucky number four! That was less fun than anarchy. I couldn’t get out of bed. Everything hurt. I cried at random times. After a while, I didn’t see the point in living a life that never changed, so I killed myself.”
The chair complained as the doctor sat up straighter. “You tried to kill yourself? When?”
“You’re not listening. I did kill myself. Many times. I started painless and bloodless. Pills. A car running in a closed garage. Same thing every time. Everything went black and then I’d wake up perfectly fine on Friday morning.”
Doctor Redmond wrote depression, suicidal ideation? “And what about now? Do you still want to kill yourself?”
“I don’t want to die, I’m not thinking about it, and I have no plans to hurt or kill myself, so you can cross out suicidal ideation.” She crunched on a chip.
Doctor Redmond blinked. Her answer would have ticked off all the boxes on a standard suicide severity questionnaire. Studied psychology, he wrote. The chair squeaked as he settled back. “How many times did you kill yourself?”
“Hoo boy, that’s tough. I lost count after a while. When the easy stuff didn’t work, I switched to more painful, bloody methods: shooting, jumping off a bridge, hanging, stabbing, and electrocution, to name a few. I even climbed into the lion cage at the zoo. That was a doozy.” Aria put the last chip between her molars and chomped down. “Those teeth cracking through my bones is not something I will ever forget. Thankfully, I bled out fast.” She shrugged. “Nothing worked.”
“Aria, I have to ask again, are you sure—”
“Know what the last stage is?”
“Aria—”
With an edge to her voice, Aria said, “The last stage, doc, or we’re done.”
The doctor swallowed a sigh. If he pushed too hard, he would lose her. “What’s the last stage?” He squinted at his notes in the dimming light. Thunder rumbled in the distance.
“I thought since I was the only one who knew about the loop, I was the only real person. So, I killed the others.” Aria laughed. “What would you call that stage?”
Doctor Redmond tensed. He added up the signs: withdrawal, losing touch with reality, paranoia, and violent fantasies. Textbook example of psychosis.
“You think I’m psychotic, don’t cha?”
Rain pounded the roof. The doctor’s hand twitched.
“Remember, doc, it’s only a story. Time loops aren’t real, right?”
He underlined studied psychology and telling stories to shock. “Who wasn’t real?”
“Everyone. Millie, friends, strangers, the mayor. I killed them all. Even you.”
The doctor’s mouth went dry. “Me?”
“I was so desperate to end the loop, I thought a shrink might help. You and I talked about vicious cycles, grief, and anger. But I didn’t like your advice, so I killed you.”
It was quiet in the hall for a long time.
“Did I scare you away, doc?”
“I’m here, Aria. I’m just processing.” He wrote needs further examination and probable in-patient treatment.
“I can hear the gears in your head grinding through that shit from here. How about we… forgive and move forward?”
Doctor Redmond wiped his damp palms on his slacks. Aria must have looked up his latest book, Forgiveness and Moving Forward. “How long were you in the time loop?”
“Nice recovery, doc! Hard to say. I couldn’t write it down because it would disappear after the nightly reset. Sisyphean task! Somewhere around ninety years.”
“That’s a long time.”
“What are you, forty-four? That’s old. And if you’re old, I’m ancient!” Aria cackled.
He caught himself frowning. She had guessed his age without even seeing him. “When did the loop start?”
“November first last year. El Dia de los Muertos.”
The doctor sucked in a breath.
Aria smiled. “Does that mean something to you?”
Clearing his throat, the doctor said, “We’re here to talk about you, Aria.” His trembling fingers fumbled with the cap of his water bottle.
“Not a good day for you for some reason. Let’s see… you found out your wife was cheating? Your dog died? Your kid died?” She shoved her finger into the sandwich until red jelly seeped out. “Or you started having nightmares where someone shot you in the head and you died.”
The bottle thumped to the floor. Thunder boomed.
“Bingo!” Aria clapped her hands. “You laid on the floor feeling yourself dying, wishing it would end but also wishing it wouldn’t. I know what that’s like.”
“How… ”
“I told you, I killed you. You forgot after the reset, but maybe the trauma still lingered. Latent PTSD.” She steepled her fingers under her chin. “Iiiiinteresting.”
Doctor Redmond gripped the chair with both hands to keep from joining his bottle. “That can’t… ” He gasped as if all the oxygen in the house had been used up.
“You don’t sound too good, doc. Breathe slowly. Four-seven-eight. Four-seven-eight. Four-seven-eight.” Aria tapped on the wall to punctuate each number.
Doctor Redmond’s face flushed. He was the doctor. He slowed his breaths and relaxed his tensed muscles. “I’m fine.”
Aria touched her phone screen. The soft glow illuminated the dark room. “Wanna know what happened next?”
“Please tell me,” the doctor said. His voice was steady again. He nodded to himself. He was a professional.
“The loop ended.” Aria clicked on a light. She watched a moth struggle to escape from a web behind the lampshade as the spider closed in. “I don’t know why, though. To get out in the movies, you have to become a better person, learn your lesson, forgive and forget, blah blah blah. That didn’t happen here. I need to know what ended the last loop so I can escape from the next one.”
“Do you think there will be another loop?”
“Who’s to say?” Aria checked the time again.
Was there any truth hidden in these stories? the doctor thought as he rubbed his face. He would hand this case over to someone else. There wasn’t anything in heaven or hell that would make him come back here.
At the same time, they both said, “Our time is up.”
“Thank you for talking with me, Aria. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m the best fit for you. I’ll refer your case to another doctor.”
There was silence from the bedroom. “Aria? Are you ok?”
Bedsprings squeaked. The floor creaked. Thunder rattled the house.
Aria leaned her shoulder against the door. “I haven’t been ok for decades. And you won’t hand off my case. You’ll be back.”
“No, Aria.” He stood and dropped his things into his satchel, closing it with a flick of his wrist. “I won’t be back.”
The bedroom door cracked open. A small plate rolled out on its edge. Doctor Redmond jumped as it hit his foot, tipped over, and clattered to the ground. He knelt to pick it up.
Thunder exploded, shaking the windows.
A picture of a blue sugar skull grinned up at him. Blobs of red jelly dripped down its forehead.
Aria licked her fingertips. “You know, doc, I wouldn’t be so sure.”
#
Aria poked the sandwich her sister had left. “Fucking peanut butter and jelly.” She checked the time. “9-5-5-9, 9-5-5-9, 9-5-5-9,” she said, tapping her finger on the plate in time to the numbers.
The stairs groaned. “Showtime.”
Someone knocked on the door. “Aria, there’s someone here to see you,” Millie said.
“And who might that be, sister dear?” Aria said with saccharine sweetness. She heard Millie suck in a breath.
“Aria, my name is Doctor Hugh Redmond. Your sister asked me to speak with you. We can talk through the door if that’s easier for you.”
“Sure. Send my sister away and we’ll talk.”
“I’m leaving,” Millie said. The stairs creaked.
“Ok, doc, why don’t you pull up that uncomfortable, not very sturdy chair Millie left you?”
Doctor Redmond turned. There was a straight-backed wooden chair behind him. He suppressed a sigh. It would be an uncomfortable two-hour session. The chair complained as he sat. He pulled a notepad and pen from his satchel and jotted down Patient: A.Z., Session: one, Date: November 1st. He reached for her file.
“I think I’d like to talk face to face.” Aria opened the door. She leaned against the door jamb with her hands clasped behind her and stared at the doctor. He was middle-aged and average-looking. Sandy hair and eyes. Business casual dress. He looked like he sounded.
“Thank you, Aria. I hope—”
“We can make some progress today,” Aria finished.
He cleared his throat and glanced at his notepad. “Well, yes. We should get you a chair, too.”
“No thanks. I’m good.”
“Ok, Aria. What would you like to talk about?”
“Well, today I’m going to try something different.”
“Can you tell me what you mean by that?” the doctor asked.
“TLDR, I’m stuck in a time loop, again, and I want out. Wanna know how many times we’ve had this conversation?”
“Time loop? Can you—”
“Same day over and over but only I remember it. Nine thousand five hundred and fifty-nine times—that’s over nine thousand goddamned peanut butter sandwiches and it’s-nice-to-meet-you’s. I have to keep repeating the day number so I don’t lose track, though once you get to five digits, it doesn’t seem worth it anymore.”
“You feel like you’re stuck in the same day?”
Aria frowned. “No matter what I do, you never change.”
“We’ve never met before, Aria.”
“We have and I’ll prove it, doc.” Aria raised her right arm, pointing a .22 caliber pistol toward Doctor Redmond. “Does this seem familiar?”
The doctor paled and stood with his hands raised. “Aria, you don’t need that. We can just talk.”
“Oh, but I do need it. It’s time to shake things up.” Aria yelled down the stairs without taking her eyes off him, “Hey, Millie! Phil! Would you mind coming up here? The good doctor needs to speak with you!”
The doctor opened his mouth, but Aria shook her head.
They heard Millie and Phil moving towards the stairs.
“Waste of time,” Phil said.
Millie whispered, “Keep your voice down!”
Phil harrumphed. “Don’t know why she demanded him. Certainly costs enough.” The stairs creaked. Stepping onto the landing, they looked from the doctor to Aria and froze.
Phil’s mouth closed and opened convulsively like a fish out of water.
Millie said, “Aria! What—”
“Be quiet, sister dear. Your role isn’t a speaking one.”
Phil glanced at the stairs.
The gun barrel moved toward him. “Stay put, dear brother.”
Phil yelped and backed against the wall.
“So, doc. This is what I need from you.” Aria pulled her left hand from behind her. In it, was another pistol. She crouched and slid it across the polished wood floor.
Doctor Redmond flinched when the gun hit his foot. “What are you doing, Aria? This isn’t going to help.”
The hall darkened. Thunder rumbled in the distance.
“You think you’re a smart guy, but you don’t know anything. I’ve got ninety years on you.” Aria clicked on the hall light with her free hand. Her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Pick up the gun.”
“Aria, you don’t need to—”
“Pick up the gun or I will shoot.” Aria’s brown eyes stared into Millie’s green ones. “Remember when we used to decide who was it?”
Rain pounded the roof. The gun barrel moved between the three of them. “Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief. Doctor…” The gun pointed at Doctor Redmond. “Miss Perfect… ” It moved to Millie. “Asshole… ” It swung to Phil.
“Ok!” the doctor picked up the gun but kept it pointed at the ground.
Aria chuckled. “Point it at me, silly. They don’t matter.”
“Everyone matters, Aria.” His voice quivered.
“Right now, only you and I matter.” Aria pulled her phone from her pocket and checked the time.
“The neighbors will hear the gunshots and call the police,” the doctor said.
Thunder boomed.
Phil screamed and slid to the floor. Blood blossomed through his khaki pants.
Millie shrieked. She knelt and pressed her hands over the hole in his thigh. “Call 911!”
“Sorry, that’ll have to wait,” Aria said.
“Aria!” Millie cried. “Oh my god… ”
“Your move, doc.”
Doctor Redmond stepped back. The backs of his knees bumped the chair. His breath hitched.
Aria smiled wide. “That chair’s not as sturdy as it seems.”
The doctor’s body twitched.
“No matter how many times you’ve thrown it at me, it doesn’t end this.”
“I wasn’t going to—”
“You were. 5-7, 5-7, 5-7.” Aria tapped the door jam with her phone as she said each number. “You’ve thrown that chair fifty-seven times. If you even look like you’re thinking about it, I’ll shoot Millie.”
Millie gasped and turned toward Aria.
“Is that surprising, sister dear? You think I’m a waste of time and space. Today’s session was my last chance before you tossed me in the looney bin.”
Millie opened her mouth.
“Don’t deny it. I’m tired of trying to measure up to the golden child. And I’m really fucking tired of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Mom always made them because they were your favorite.” Aria sneered. “I thought forgiving you and Mom might end the loop. I even went to the doc for help, but I couldn’t do it.” She pointed the gun at Millie. “You treated me like garbage and you think it’s my fault my head is so messed up! You’re just like Mom.”
The doctor took deep breaths. His hands steadied. Focus her attention on me and keep her calm, he thought. “Ok, Aria. Tell me what you want. And please, no more shooting.”
“That’s simple, doc. I want you to shoot me.”
“No. I can’t do that, Aria.” The doctor put the safety on his gun.
“Sure you can. Take the safety off and pull the trigger. But—and this is important—you have to kill me or I’ll kill you. I’ve done it before, remember?”
Doctor Redmond trembled.
Aria tapped her temple with her index finger. “7-0, 7-0, 7-0. If something traumatic happens in the loop, it sticks around in your unconscious after the reset. Tomorrow, Millie and Phil will be scared of me though they won’t know why.” Her voice rose. “You have to end the loop!”
He shook his head. “I won’t do that.”
“Kill me or you all die!”
Phil whimpered. His eyes rolled back in his head.
“No. You won’t kill anyone,” Doctor Redmond said.
Aria arched an eyebrow. “Why on Earth do you think that?”
“Because you want help. I can help you without anyone else getting hurt.”
Aria checked her phone. “They. Don’t. Matter.”
Thunder rattled the house.
The doctor and Millie flinched. Blood dripped from a hole in Phil’s forehead.
Millie’s mouth fell open but no sound came out.
“Shoot me, doc. Or Millie is next.”
The doctor’s knees gave out. He fell back onto the chair. A chair leg snapped in half, dumping him onto the floor. “This… This isn’t the way.”
“I kept asking you for help. On day thirty-two thousand nine hundred, you asked me if it was fair to put all the blame on Millie and Mom. When I tried to shoot you, you shot me instead. I woke up, it was November second, and everything had reset.
“Shoot me and we’ll all wake up tomorrow, the real tomorrow, and only I’ll be the wiser.” Aria shrugged. “For the most part.”
“I wouldn’t have killed you… ” Doctor Redmond’s lips quivered. “No! Time loops aren’t real and I didn’t shoot you.”
“They are and you did. Tell the police it was self-defense. It won’t matter after the devil’s hour.” Aria closed her eyes for a moment. The dark circles under her eyes looked like bruises. “I don’t age and I can’t die. If you don’t do this, it will never end. Never.”
“Aria—”
Aria pointed the gun at Millie. “Mom loved her most no matter what I did. You can’t blame me for that.” She glanced at the time.
“No!”
Lightening flashed. Thunder cracked. Millie tipped backward onto Phil’s outstretched legs. Her fingers spasmed. A crimson stain spread across the front of her pristine white blouse.
The doctor dropped the pistol. His head and shoulders sagged.
Aria knelt in front of him. “You won’t shoot me, even if I say you’re next. You’re a stubborn one aren’t you, doc?”
He said nothing.
“I know your family.”
The doctor’s head snapped up. “What?”
“Liz always gets a lunchtime coffee at the cafe. Your son, Jacob, has curly red hair. Gets it from his mother.”
“How do you—”
“Your house is nice. Two-story brick colonial. White picket fence. Roses and tulips. Such a damned cliche.”
What little blood was left in Doctor Redmond’s face drained away. “Don’t, Aria!”
“Kill me or I truss you up, toss you in the trunk of my car, and make you watch as I kill your adorable family. Because they don’t matter either.” One corner of her mouth lifted. “I think I skipped anarchy this time and went straight to psychopath.”
She set her phone on the floor and pushed it.
It slid into Millie’s hand. Her fingers lifted. A gurgling sound escaped her mouth as she dragged a bloody finger across the screen.
“Shoot me and call the cops.” Aria shrugged. “Phil’s done for but maybe they can save Millie.”
Doctor Redmond stared into Aria’s empty eyes. She had talked about killing her family and his as if she was discussing the weather. She can’t be reasoned with, he thought. He had to keep his family safe. He turned to look at her phone.
Aria’s eyes opened wide. She followed his gaze.
He lunged at Aria.
Aria whooped as he knocked her backward.
He grabbed her gun.
“Finally!” she yelled.
Thunder exploded, shaking the windows.
The gun went off once. Twice. Three times.
#
Aria opened her eyes. Her phone sat on the bedside table. She ran her finger over the cold glass screen without looking at it, feeling a crusty smear. “Peanut butter or blood?”
She curled up, clutching her pillow to her chest. The past was set in stone. Her mother was dead, but her attitudes lived on in her children. A century of extra time hadn’t freed Aria from old patterns of behavior. Those were set in stone, too.
She picked up her phone. The date and time appeared.
The phone crashed against the wall and knocked down a framed photo. Glass shards scattered across the floor.
Aria knelt in the sharp fragments, ignoring the pain; it would be gone tomorrow. She pulled the photo from the frame. Younger versions of Mom, Millie, and her stood together, smiling in the sun. Aria tore the picture in two, leaving herself on one side and Millie and Mom on the other. Tomorrow, the photo would be unchanged. She would be unchanged.
Forgiveness was a Sisyphean task.